The Appointment and Things (Pt. 1)

29 Mar

At this very moment I am extremely frustrated, pissed off, and angry. One of the requirements to begin insemination is to have a session with an approved counselor who will provide our RE with a write-up about us so that we can continue our process. So we had this session with the counselor last week once I returned from a business trip.

Well when we got home last night there was a message on our answering machine informing us that the counselor and our RE have decided that in order to continue on our TTC journey (with this RE) that both of us need to come in and do a personality profile. When I heard this last night I was extremely frustrated.

So during my lunch break Charlie and I spoke with the counselor and learned the following:

  1. Due to us both dealing with adolescence bouts of depression and suicide attempts, she is not sure that we are no longer depressed. Her words were “You guys say that you guys are not depressed but this test will prove it.”
  2. That we need to pay an additional $200 to have these test done and she informed us that she would not provide us with the test results.
  3. If we do not have a favorable result from this test we would not be able to continue with our TTC journey with our current RE.

Well my initial internal response is to her to go to hell! How dare you judge us as individuals, as a couple, and as potential parents. I am sick and tired of playing this game and being judged. We are a happily married, established, loving , caring, honest, and thoughtful couple. We could have entered that room and lied; but we were honest to show our growth as individuals and as a couple. I don’t understand how this woman with a pen in her hand has anything to do with the medical practice of insemination.

Is this a pact between the RE and the counselor to make money or is this something that they make straight couples do as well. Are we a test couple for you? Because we are young, we are black, and we are a same-sex couple. What is it?

My heart is pounding and I’m pissed. Straight couples don’t have to go through this. I know people who got pregnant by someone they barely knew and they were giving a congratulations for their pregnancy. I have been with my wife for years and I have to prove the status and health of our relationship and of us as individuals.


 Note: I hope all of this makes sense…please excuse any typos.

10 Responses to “The Appointment and Things (Pt. 1)”

  1. Shaina March 29, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    This makes me so very angry for you! It doesn’t sound very legit at all…

  2. Rachael Nead March 29, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    Hi there. This is Rachael, one of the facilitators from the Trying to Conceive ( I think that is our name) group. I am sorry to see you so frustrated. I can tell you that I did not have to go to see a counselor nor did my partner and I have to take any kind of personality test. I am a firm believer that you get more bees with honey than vinegar, but that being said I believe that you deserve an explanation if an explanation would help you to decide your next step. If it were me, I would go up the food chain and calmly but directly ask for an explanation. If this is a deal breaker for you let them know. That being said, I think it is reputable of them to collect some mental health information as the fertility journey is fraught emotional and mental questions/discoveries and potential roadblocks. I would ask them what they will happen with the results, and what the results will be used to determine. I do believe (and I did get) in counseling during this crazy roller coaster of a rides, so perhaps if you tell them you are willing to go they will forgo the testing. Hang in there.. remember the final outcome is a baby and when you hold your baby in your arms you will know that all of this was for something so beautifully perfect that you will realize it was all worth it. Sending warm thoughts your way! Rachael

    • weddedwife March 29, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

      I am trying to get my anger and emotions in check prior to reaching out to the RE to find out why this is necessary and to receive a explanation. I know that there will be many frustrations and emoitnal moments on this journey. But the idea of someone denying me my right to parenthood based on a test is frustrating. I just need to calm down so that I can speak with them in a professional way.

  3. Jen March 29, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    WOW- I would be completely mad too. We never had to do any sort of thing for our RE so I guess it varies by doctor/practice. This seems crazy to me as if fertility isn’t crazy and depressing enough. You have every right to be upset, but I do agree that if you calm yourself and get through the red tape, it will make things better in the long run.

  4. liberationtheory March 29, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

    If it’s any reassurance, my partner and I had to go through the same thing, as per policy at our RE. When I went to a different practice in Texas, we didn’t have to do this. But here, we did. We also didn’t get the results/write up, BUT you are welcome to anything in your medical file. So you can request a copy of your complete file and notes from your RE. I hope this helps.

    Remember, this is as much a test of your resolve and determination. Keep forging forward.

    • weddedwife March 29, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

      What state are you in now?

      • liberationtheory April 6, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

        Sorry, I’m just now seeing this. I live in NJ.

  5. Crazy Lesbian Mom March 30, 2011 at 3:07 am #

    That’s absolute BS! It drives me NUTS to hear $hit like that, especially based on adolescent depression… which, although awful, is SO different.

    Honestly, I’m kind of expecting to run into the same thing, though my story is a little different. I just can’t imagine having to prove somehow that you’re capable to care for a child while others who don’t want and/or can’t care for children can run around and get knocked up anywhere.

    Hang in there, and just know that this is a little blip on your way to a wonderful thing.

  6. jessie April 9, 2011 at 12:24 am #


  7. Flying Mermaid May 3, 2011 at 12:28 am #

    Too infuriating! First of all, how can it even be legal for them to withhold your test results???

    But more importantly, you both had some good god damn reasons to be depressed as teenagers, what the fuck? Don’t make me have to hurt somebody!

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