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Back On The Grind

11 Sep

So this is my last week at home with Little Bird. Next Wednesday I am back at work and Little Bird will be in daycare.

I’m freaking out about it. I’m nervous about not sending her with enough food, or diapers, or not enough change of clothes. So needless to say I’m having random freak out moments.

I am working really hard to get Little Bird use to her crib. Needless to say Charlie and I are losing this battle. I hope to that we when the battle soon.

I have had several people at work hypothesize that I am not coming back. I should come back with my baby on my chest.

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8 Weeks Away

29 Apr

We are 8 weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe it’s so close. Every time I think about it I feel like crying. I don’t feel like my home is ready. The room has clothes all over the place and no decorations on the wall. I know that babies don’t need decorations but I do.

My wife’s job had a joint baby shower for her and a coworker. I realized during the shower how comfortable I am in my pregnant body. Listening to the other pregnant woman and the mother’s in the room discuss how much they hated getting bigger made me sad. Being pregnant is a journey, your body is making a human, and I don’t think you should feel shamed.

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This past weekend I went to the emergency room because I was having weird chest pains. I was in the hospital for five hours and was diagnosed with atypical chest pains. They ruled out all the scary stuff — pneumonia, heartache, etc. The doctor thinks that my chest pain was either gas/heartburn or radiating shoulder pain. Last night my chest finally stopped hurting around 11 pm. I haven’t had any chest pain today. So that’s great.

My cousin came over to our new place and was shocked by the small size. People like to ‘apologize’ for the size of the new place —- don’t worry about it, you all are doing what you have to do? I have no issues with the size of our place. I guess people see it as a step down from our house. We lost a bedroom and some square footage; but our quality of life has truly increased. Moving was one of the decisions we’ve ever made.

Connections

4 Apr

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I have made several online connections during this TTC journey but have never meet anyone in person. Last weekend this all changed. My wife and I meet up with a few people from a lesbian TTC group I am a member of. It was nice to meet them in person and connect on various levels.

A Journey to Sisterhood

22 Mar

Happy TEA Me

I first learned about Greek lettered organizations (GLOs) when I was in college. The idea of a group of people being unified under one mission, purpose, and vision really resonated with me. Seeing the support that members gave each other and the work that they did in the community was something I wanted to be a part of. As I began to research GLOs I never felt like I fit into any of the traditional sisterhoods.

Through personal research I found out about LGBT GLOs. I felt like these organizations would provide me with the type of sisterhood that I was looking for. I wanted to be apart of an LGBT GLO because I wanted my whole being to be accepted, respected, and supported by the organization that I was a member of. I didn’t want to feel tolerated in a particular chapter and ignored in another. I wanted to know that the organization was as proud of me as I was of them. This journey started in 2002, I have started and stopped along my journey to find a sisterhood I could call my own.

TEAcakes

I can now say with a full heart that my journey has ended. I have found everything that I have ever wanted in a GLO from Theta Epsilon Alpha (www.thetaepsilonalpha.org). My heart is overcome with joy, gratitude, and love. I am proud to be a member, proud of my sisters, and proud of the organization.

Since 2002 I have been putting in work to find a GLO I connected with, I have been honest with myself, and I have been patient. I wake up everyday thankful for my sisterhood, thankful for my sisters, and full of love. I am thankful to the women of Theta Epsilon Alpha Sorority for showing me true sisterhood. I am proud to be apart of a sorority that supports self-identified femme lesbian and queer women.

I just had to share.

Happy Group of TEAcakes

Thank You 2012 — Greetings 2013

1 Jan

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Well I am so happy to be welcoming a new year. Last year at this time my wife had been home from the hospital for several hours. I was super tired because I was afraid to go to sleep because I wanted to make sure she was still breathing. During 2012 we had a long road of recovery for Charlie. My mother-in-law was at our house stressing me out and crying every couple of minutes. I was so sad for her and for my wife.

During 2012 we found out that my grandmother-in-law was battling breast cancer for the second time. Three family members had surgeries. My father-in-law ended up in the hospital and had to have a stint placed in his heart. My Aunt got really sick due to vertigo. My wife hurt her ankle playing softball.

Yet and still 2012 brought some fabulous moments. We got our bug fat positive and are now 15 weeks pregnant. We are in the process of moving and renting out our home. We celebrated our four year marriage anniversary; and us being together for eight years. Peanut celebrate another year. The beginning of Theta Epsilon Alpha Sorority (www. ThetaEpsilonAlpha.org), a sisterhood for femme identified lesbian and queer women.

We are super excited for 2013!

***Updates***

So I am 15 weeks pregnant and super excited. My belly is significantly rounder than it has ever been. However, it is magically not super noticeable. People who know that I’m pregnant try to touch my belly or talk to it and that bothers. I’m not sure if I will ever get use to that. Since I have licks I have dealt with people trying to touch my hair and I HATE it. So I’m hoping I don’t snap at anyone.

I have been dealing with some itching on my belly but bought some Burt’s Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter and that has really helped. My wife took me out and bought me some maternity clothes ( i.e. pants, dress, shirt, etc). I really needed the pants.

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Have I told you lately…

24 May

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I would like to tell you how much I appreciate you…yes you!

Thank you for reading my post. You offer me support, insight, laughs, and care. This world of technology and the ability to make a diverse group of “friends” is awesome. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you.

Now for updates …

The last negative pregnancy test made me really sad. I know that we have only had 3 attempts but that faint positive had me so pumped up that the negative I received on the blood test just floored me. My wife and I meet with our doctor to discuss our next moves. The day we meet with the doctor would have been the day that I inseminated; so we ended up missing out on having a May insemination. So we are going to skip June. If my work schedule permits I will be inseminating in July…hopefully a positive pregnancy test will be my birthday present from the universe.

Fatness: My Thoughts

23 May
The Embodiment of Disobedience: Fat Black Women's Unruly Political Bodies

One of my favorite books.

The Embodiment of Disobedience: Fat Black Women’s Unruly Political Bodiesby Andrea Elizabeth Shaw is one of my all time favorites books. The officially description for this book is as follows:

Despite the West’s privileging of slenderness as an aesthetic ideal, the African Diaspora has historically displayed a resistance to the Western European and North American indulgence in ‘fat anxiety.’ The Embodiment of Disobedience explores the ways in which the African Diaspora has rejected the West’s efforts to impose imperatives of slenderness and mass market fat-anxiety. Author Andrea Shaw explores the origins and contradictions of this phenomenon, especially the cultural deviations in beauty criteria and the related social and cultural practices. Unique in its examination of how both fatness and blackness interact on literary cultural planes, this book also offers a diasporic scope that develops previously unexamined connections among female representations throughout the African Diaspora.

This book confirmed my feelings and thoughts towards fatness for women, black people, and especially black women. Fatness carries with it a lower social equity within many first world nations. Thinking critically about fatness, mobility, and healthy are critical to the future success of any nation and its citizens. Recently I read Why Black Women are Fat an article written by Alice Randall for the New York Times. Ms. Randall’s article states the following:

And it’s not only aesthetics that make black fat different. It’s politics too. To get a quick introduction to the politics of black fat, I recommend Andrea Elizabeth Shaw’s provocative book “The Embodiment of Disobedience: Fat Black Women’s Unruly Political Bodies.” Ms. Shaw argues that the fat black woman’s body “functions as a site of resistance to both gendered and racialized oppression.” By contextualizing fatness within the African diaspora, she invites us to notice that the fat black woman can be a rounded opposite of the fit black slave, that the fatness of black women has often functioned as both explicit political statement and active political resistance.

Historically, fatness has been a form of resistance for many people worldwide. Even though I feel that Ms. Randall’s heart was in the right place and I acknowledge the linguistic constraints of crafting a news article, I found her piece to be both an ill-informed piece and a damaging dagger aimed at the emotional well-being of fat black women. Instead of attacking fat black women for being in their bodies – fat – we need to investigate why these women are fat and equip them with the various tools that one would need to live a healthier life.

Fatness can be a response to many of life’s trials and tribulations. It can be an outward symbol of the  joyous celebration of life. Just as it could be a physical representation of someones inner pain. This article had me thinking about my own interactions with my body and its roundness. I went through my personal archive and found this old blog entry:

I was brought up with the idea that my body was ugly. I was told that I was fat, ugly, and too dark from childhood till my late teens. When I moved out and came to Ga for school I began to tackle this issues head on. I learned to love the natural state of my hair. I learned to love my black skin. I was beginning to love my body as well. What slowed down the process of self-love for me was a tragic event. In early 2003 I was raped. This changed the way I viewed my body. I began to lift weights to try and gain some strength. This resulted in my weight going up. I began to fall back into the ideology that my body was ugly.

So here I am 25 years old learning to love my body again. I have told myself that with my body I can’t wear certain things without looking like I’m trying too hard. (I hope that makes sense.) So when I meet women who love their bodies and have a very feminine gender expression I began to admire them.

Recently I went shopping for a bridal gown and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. The attendant made me feel like “a big white blob” (her words not mine). I couldn’t believe it, I was automatically reminded of all the things I have heard during my life time: your breast are too big to wear something like that, you think anybody wants to see your arms, etc.

I am still having these same types of conversations in my head. It is a struggle to see self-worth in something that society tells you that you should be ashamed of. Being fat may not be healthy but it is apart of who I am. A key component of living a healthy life is being able to love yourself. Embrace your fatness, work towards a healthier you, and a healthier life. Know that you are worthy and deserving  no matter what range your BMI falls into.